A New Chapter

(I really like this quote. It has always hit home for me.)

The pages have been flying by since my last entry. Loose ends have been tied up and put away, making room for new strings to unravel. My story now continues, at the opening of a brand new chapter. As I am writing my story one day at a time, there's no way of telling what soon awaits me. Maybe I'm on the brink of something new, but I'll never know unless I dive in. 

This new chapter begins where an old chapter ended, St. George, Utah. That's right, I'm returning for another year at Dixie State College. This time, I've decided to brave the heat of summer... it can't be that bad, can it? I just moved in to my new place last Thursday, and so far things have been going great! I can't even begin to explain how happy it makes me to be back in St. George. I can't really explain why, but this place is special for me. I love everything about it--including the unbearable heat. When the sun is up, it can be a little intense, but the calm warm nights make up for it. 

My new apartment is definitely an upgrade from where I lived last time I was down here. Don't get me wrong, I miss The Cave, and the awesome roommates I had while living there, but this place is just better. I have my own room now, and only share the apartment with three other guys. At first, we didn't talk very much and I wondered if that would ever change, but as I've adjusted things have gotten better. Tonight we are going camping, and that should be a good time. I'm a little bummed that I forgot my sleeping bag, but I'll just make do with blankets until I make my next trip home.

So like I said, I've decided to move down into Utah's fiery furnace for the summer. I wish I could say that I just moved down to work and play, but that's not the case. I've been looking into the Surgical Tech. program offered at Dixie, and decided it was something that I wanted to do. Well, luckily I've completed almost all of the prerequisites needed to apply... except for two. These two classes happen to be Anatomy and Physiology, plus their labs... Yikes! Both are pretty intense classes that demand a lot of focus and effort. I've almost stopped telling people what classes I'm taking this summer because I'm sick of seeing their reactions. They look at me like I'm crazy. Hey, maybe I am.. but I can't let me fear hold me back. I have a lot of faith in myself and what I can accomplish. I've tackled difficult classes before, and I have no doubt that I can do it again. Sure, it's not going to be very fun, but I enjoy a good challenge. It's always rewarding to look back and see what you've accomplished after all is said and done. It just might kill me this summer, but at least I'll die trying right?

I have one week left before my hefty schedule begins. So basically, I have a week to enjoy my summer. I think I've done a pretty good job so far. There's nothing to complain about. Since I've been back, I've been able to catch up with a handful of people that I've been missing. It's incredible to see what each one of them has been able to accomplish in their own lives since I last saw them. It make me proud to know each one of them, and it's an honor to call them my friends. 

Last night I met up with a good friend on the roof of a building downtown. Yeah, you read that correctly. There's just somethings about rooftops... they're so inviting, especially after the sun goes down. While sat there talking and catching up, I looked out over the city, taking time to notice the highlights as well as small things that often go unnoticed. As I sat there, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and belonging. I know this may not be where I intended to go, but I know that I'm where I need to be. 

Fasten your seat-belts St. George, it's going to be a bumpy ride. I'm ready, are you?

-G

It's Been a Long Time, But I'm Back In Town

It's been a very interesting last three months for me, there's no question about that. 
Not really sure the best place to start, so I'll just start typing. 

It is not normal to return from these types of things within the short space of a few months. As I wrote out my goodbye, I was fully planning on being gone for two years. Spending my time in a strange new world far away from home. Life has a funny way of never turning out the way we plan--reminding us that we're not as in control as we'd like to think. Or, maybe we are but don't realize how much of that control we easily forfeit through our choices. If we're not vigilant, our choices often send us on detours that eventually rob us of our careful constructed outlines. I suppose, in some ways, this is what happened to me. 

Soon after my arrival in the Philippines, I quickly realized I didn't belong there. There were a lot of contributing factors to this realization, which developed stronger each day. Sure, there were the obvious difficulties such as the bizarre foods, unsanitary living conditions, and  ever present language barrier, but these were NOT the driving factors in my return home. It's a lot more complicated then that and not something that I feel comfortable discussing publicly over the world wide web. Understand that the decision to come home wasn't an easy one. It rolled around inside my head day in and day out for almost two weeks. There were high points as well as low moments where that decision went back and forth. As time went on, I really started to gain a love for the people and culture surrounding me. Such a different place, full of it's own unique beauty. The people were unlike any other group of people that I have ever met. So humble and caring, and full of charity and compassion. They have a strong love for their families and are very accepting of all people. Blessed with rags, not riches, these people are able to find peace and joy in the small and simple things. That is one thing that I've really missed since I've been home. Admittedly, I thought I would be overjoyed to get on a jet plane headed home, but when that moment actually came, there were tears in my eyes. 


As I returned home, I was attacked by so many different emotions, mixed with jetlag and fatigue. Although there was a good deal of shame and disappointment hanging in the air, I found myself welcomed home into the loving arms of my family. What a relief that was. Part of me still ached for the Philippines, but an even larger part of me was breathing a sigh of relief. It felt good to be home. 


Now, I'm just doing my best to adjust to everything again. I'd be lying if I said that it's been easy. Things have been pretty rough, but I'm doing all I can to keep my head up. I have friends and neighbors that won't talk to me, or blatantly avoid me now... and that's hard. Some are too busy thinking about what to say to me, but in all honesty, I'd rather they didn't. They don't have to say anything, they just need to accept the fact that I'm home now.I understand that a lot of people are confused and want to know why I came home prematurely. That's fair enough. They're curious and want an explanation, even if they have to make one up themselves. I realize that humans thirst for gossip almost more than water and I can't blame them for that. I'm human too. But for now, it's just not something I'm willing to give them. They don't need to know. Let them talk. Let the judge. That doesn't mean anything to me. Most of them only know that I've chosen to return because I needed to work some things out in my life. I was depressed and didn't have my head in the right place to be effective. That's all they're getting. They're not really negative or rude. Most of them just want to help and approach me more like I'm a cancer patient. 

The thing they don't seem to understand is that I'm not dying. I'm starting to live. 

They are quick to comfort and help my family though, and I'm appreciative of that. I know that this is embarrassing and hard for them too and I don't want them to have to deal with any more then they already are. All my extend family knows as well, and they're just trying to show love and support for me and my family. It's all marked with good intentions (and I can see that) so it's alright. Despite all of our differences, I'm really thankful for my family and all they're doing to help. I've learned that whenever things like this happen, it can always draw people closer or farther apart depending on how it's handled. I've also received more insight into other people's pasts and their own struggles as they're shared what they think might help. Some of it wasn't news to me because I'm a perceptive person, but other things really blew my mind. All in all I'm thankful for that aspect of this. 


Also, considering the fact that I could hardly understand anything that was going on around me, I found myself with a lot of time to soul search. When you're so far removed from everything, you definitely come to know what matters most to you. When you're gone, those are the things your heart aches for. 


I know that the road ahead is going to be a rough one. Perhaps even worse than I can now perceive... but I feel confident that things will turn out right. I'm going in with a level head, a heart full of love, and no holes for fear.

Please, if you have ANY questions, don't be afraid to ask Me.

Thanks for reading; the journey continues...

-G